btw

i hate blogging now.

--

:]

i wanna hear you sad.

"For all of this, i'm better off without you.
Do you regret so, your loneliness?"

will always be my favorite The Early November song.

.

i feel like i belong behind this fence.

i don't make wishes at 11:11 anymore.
i don't throw pennies into fountains.
i don't wish on the first stars at night.

i used to be the person who reminded everyone else to.
i practically forced anyone i was with to wish on pennies, even if they didn't want to.

hm.

what you need is a glass of instant smile

"i woke up on the floor with my shoes on,
a smile on my face and i didn't even care"


:) these lyrics remind me of when you're so happy, you smile so much it hurts. you don't care about anything else around you. it's pure euphoria, and it's beautiful.

don't think, don't feel.

“ You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.
— Bob Marley


one day, i will find this.
when "everything is beautiful and nothing hurts"
-KV

a little on love.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up youre heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then on stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like '' Maybe we should be just friends '' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

Neil Gaiman

The Purpose of Life;

i never want to forget this.
i never want to feel like i'm just waiting on the sidelines.

PostSecret

about 3 years ago, i got a book from my cousin for christmas. it was a book full of secrets, mailed in on postcards, based on a website called PostSecret.

3 years ago, before anyone had really heard of this website, PostSecret was the most amazing gift i could have gotten. the funny, inspiring, and even tragic secrets helped me realize that maybe i wasn't as alone as i thought i was.

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

i haven't missed a single secret posted on this website in three years. :)

one day,

<33

i'm not done yet.

so, i'm not as good at this blogging thing as i thought i would be. i seem a lot more interesting to myself, in my head, then i think i could ever appear in real life. it's kind of depressing to me. all the time i make myself into this person in my head. the person that i really want to be. i don't know, it's really embarrassing to admit, but i just want to be.. a good person, i guess. someone that everyone likes, and can count on. someone fun and interesting, but until i get over my shyness, i know it's never going to happen.

i'm one of those people that's always saying "tomorrow". tomorrow things will be better, tomorrow i'll be different than i was today. tomorrow i'll try harder, tomorrow i'll make a plan. tomorrow will be the first day of the rest of my life... but tomorrow never really comes. and i think that's one thing i need to realize if i ever want to be at peace with myself.

sometimes it has to be TODAY.


i made this film last semester. i wish it could inspire me more, but i hope it inspires you! it's one thing i can look at and say that i'm really proud of. i want that feeling more. it's the most amazing feeling, and i know it's what's going to keep me going in the future.

changing tomorrow's world, one film at a time?!

so i'm not really reliable at this thing. it's hard to be with so much going on. especially with what i've been putting a lot into lately. try not to cringe.. the future! well, more specifically, my future, what i'm going to do with my life. if i had things completely my way, with no limitations, i would open an independent film company. preferably in chicago. and i would make films the way they were intended to be made, for art not for money. i decided awhile ago that i would rather be poor as dirt making the kind of films that can affect someone's life than a millionare doing anything else.

i don't know when exactly i decided i wanted this so much, but going to the new york film acadamy's workshop in florida two summers ago definitley made up my mind. completely. i had one week to learn about, write, storyboard, cast, shoot, and edit a film. it was the most intense week of my life, but the most satisfying. i love every single part of filmmaking. :) my film is NOT the greatest, but i was proud of the outcome. it was my first one, ever. and it made me fall in love.


UGH. WARNING! YOUTUBE RUINED MY MOVIE. THEY SHRUNK IT, ITS SUPPOSED TO BE WIDE SCREEN, AND THEY DELETED MY TWO SONGS BECAUSE THEY WERE COPYWRITED. SO I ADDED A NEW ONE. EXCEPT ON THIS VERSION ITS MY ORIGINAL SONG? ... ha idk enjoy..




almost everyone i talk to asks me why i'm here, at u of i, instead of some film school in california or newyork, or even columbia downtown. i don't really have an answer. as of last week my major here was media studies. i thought it would at least get me on some sort of path, but i hate it. (which is funny because this blog is for a media studies class!). So this week and next week i'm meeting with advisors to switch to New Media, a major i didn't even know exsisted until i got so fed up with mine that i had to do some research. it sounds perfect and i hope everything works out. seriouslyy.

<3

One World.

i've been looking for this video forever. it inspires me every time i watch it. my tv production teacher showed it to our class last year, and it's stuck with me ever since. it is just another thing that drives me to filmmaking. i want to affect people like this. i hope you enjoy it as much as i do.

The Message

<3

Oh, deer.

i'm exhausted. i just got back. there aren't any deep thoughts about life in my mind, all i can think is sleeeep.
but i was looking through some of the pictures i've taken from the internet and i wiill say that i love deer. if you know me, you already know this. i want one. haha but enough rambling from my overtired brain. see for yourselffff;





lovethem!

oh god. i need sleep :)
goodnight
<3

So i'm at the train station..

two hours early. because that's the only way i could get here. I don't mind it so much. I've been here so much, it almost feels like home. I've taken this three hour, well six really, trip so many times i can't even count. but what's on the other side is worth it;

:)

Speaking of trains, i really like them. I love traveling, moving, going somewhere. Trains, planes, cars, i love it all. There's something liberating about it. I guess it's how i get adventure out of life. for now anyway.

you see, the thing about trains is, it doesn't matter where it's going. what matters is deciding to get on.

<3